


three's a crowd, four's a family

by curlydots



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, M/M, gross misuse of magic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-20
Updated: 2018-01-20
Packaged: 2019-03-06 13:26:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13412199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/curlydots/pseuds/curlydots
Summary: A different take on the gang learning about Kravitz and Taako.





	three's a crowd, four's a family

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this screwball mess right after marathoning TAZ a few months ago and i figured i might as well just post it

Magnus feels like he’s the only person among his friends who actually sleeps like a normal person. He’s generally up around 8 so he can do a couple laps around the Moon Base before training with Carey, which he figures is pretty reasonable for your normal sensible person. Merle on the other hand somehow gets himself up precisely at sunrise year round so he can do naked yoga with the early morning light (a sight that Magnus isn’t really eager to witness more than once). Taako, though capable of going without sleep for weeks on end during missions, has never gotten himself out of bed before noon during their time in between. Once Magnus had tried to check up on him at 9 and see if he’d be up for training, only to have a dead-eyed, messy-haired Taako turn himself into an rhinoceros and nearly trample him and Merle. Admittedly Magnus had thought that was a blast and would definitely enjoy doing it more often but Taako had been loud and cranky for the rest of the day so he figured he probably shouldn’t.

His friend’s weird sleeping habits meant that when he heard the sounds of someone rummaging around their shared kitchen at 10 (still in Taako’s murder window but in the middle of Merle’s mid-morning hour long bath) his first reaction was to grab rail-splitter and check it out. He’s just gotten back from an early training session and was hoping to grab himself a second breakfast and then dip but defending their home against burglars was his job when his friends were incapacitated. And when they weren’t. Basically it was always his job.

Magnus peaks into the living room, trying to get a view into the kitchen. All the lights in the kitchen were on and he could hear the faint sounds of someone moving around but he couldn’t get a good view of them just yet. Luckily for him this was a great time to put everything that Carey had been teaching him into practice, so Magnus snuck towards the kitchen as stealthily as he could when carrying a giant axe in a very bright room.

From around the corner he hears the faint sound of sizzling and frowns at the smell of something cooking. It obviously couldn’t be Taako’s cooking since he wasn’t drooling yet (and it was too early for him to be up) but he had no idea who else it could be.

Magnus feels the presence in the kitchen start to head in his direction and thinks fast, raising rail-splitter over his head and rounding the corner.

“Oh,” Kravitz says mildly, balancing a carton of milk and a couple of oranges in his arms. “This is a surprise.”

“Huh,” Magnus says. Behind Kravitz on the counter is a stack of pancakes and some other fruit on a tray. There’s a pot of tea boiling on their stove. More worrying is the fact that Kravitz is wearing an incredibly gaudy croptop with TAAKO bedazzled along the front of it.

Kravitz nods to him politely. “Good morning. Hope you don’t mind me going through your fridge.”

“I was kind planning on having a bowl of cereal.” Magnus eyes the carton of milk.

“Oh there’s still some milk left. I’m done with it.” He passes Magnus the carton.

“Cool, yeah. We’re good then.”

“Glad to hear it.”

Kravitz scratches his head.

Magnus sniffs and gives the milk carton a small jiggle.

“Hey so, Merle didn’t like fall asleep mid-bath again and drown or something did he?”

“No. Nothing like that. Still very much alive.”

“Neato.” Magnus rocks forwards on his feet, then back. “So you’re not here to try and re-dead any of us?”

“Nope. Not here for work.”

“Just felt like popping into our kitchen and cooking pancakes?”

Kravitz looks around the room, eyes surprisingly nervous. “So…it would seem.”

“That normal Grim Reaper stuff?”

“Um. Yes. I try to make my rounds among the living. These pancakes,” he gestures vaguely behind him, “are actually foooor…you. Magnus.”

Magnus perks up. “Oh snap, for real?”

“Yeah, sure. Would you mind putting the axe down now?”

“Whoops.” Magnus lowers rail-splitter, not realizing he was still holding it up one-handed near Kravitz’s head. “That kinda thing happens sometimes. Comes with being an extremely well-honed killing machine.” He nudges Kravitz. “You probably know all about that, right buddy?”

“There may have been a couple of unplanned decapitations when I was still new to the job.”

Magnus sits down at the kitchen table and pulls the plat of pancakes towards him. “Been there, done that.”

“Yo Kravster!” Taako’s voice calls from outside the kitchen. Kravitz jumps. “You know how to repair a ceiling fan? Because I’m pretty sure we knocked that bad boy straight out. I’m not trying to lose my security deposit on this place and oh fuck it’s Magnus.”

 “Hey! You’re actually up early!”

Taako stands by the entrance to the kitchen, wearing nothing but his lacy underwear and a long semi-corporeal black hooded cape. More surprising was the fact that he seems 100% conscious but not ready to kill something. “Don’t you have Sneaky Stuff 101 with the lizard around this time?”

“She’s got a date with Killian later so I’m off the hook. How are you awake?”

“Passed out early yesterday.”

Kravitz stares intently down at the orange in his hand and says nothing.

“That’s new,” Magnus says, shoving half the stack of pancakes into his mouth. “Hot damn, these are good.”

Taako blinks. “Krav, did you make those? Were those for me?”

“Sorry, I panicked—“

Magnus and Kravitz both jolt backwards as Taako pulls a glass ball out of thin air and smashes it down against the kitchen floor.

“Woah, what was—“ Magnus suddenly feels dizzy as his previously abiding hunger comes back in full force. When he looks down the plate of pancakes ia in perfect condition.

“Dude! Did you steal Merle’s 9 second time-ball-thing that he got from Istus?”

Taako steps forward and yanks the plate away from Magnus. “Yeah well you stole my pancakes. I’ll tell Merle to steal something from you and then we’ll be square.”

Kravitz looks back and forth between the plate of food and the shattered magical orb. “I would’ve made you some more.”

“Nah B, that was some thoughtful shit,” Taako says. Magnus is a little unsettled when he gives Kravitz a very genuine looking smile. He feels less freaked out when Taako continues with, “If I had to live with knowing I was getting seconds I’d probably end up shanking Magnus in his sleep. How’d those bad boys taste, my man?”

Magnus touches his mouth. “I have no idea.”

“Groovy. You live to axe another day.”

“Kay, cool. But real quick Taako, just to confirm. Are you guys—“ Magnus pauses and stands up from the kitchen table. “Wait one second guys!”

Magnus runs out of the room, almost tripping over a very damp Merle wrapped in a towel and grabs his sunglasses before he heads back into the kitchen.

He puts on his sunglasses. “You guys boning?”

Kravitz looks a little sheepish but Taako actually laughs at that. He links one arm through Kravitz’s. “Ha! Nice. Cuz’ he’s a skeleton. But yeah, my dude. On the regular and with gusto.”

Magnus nods to himself. “That’s super doper weird. Congrats! I’m happy for you guys.”

“Thank you,” says Kravitz with a heartfelt smile. “That means a lot.”

“Not to me,” Taako says. “And you just try to steal from me again, funny boy. See what happens.”

Magnus laughs. “You guys are adorable.”

“Duh. But we’re still trying to keep things on the DL so if you see Merle—“

“Hey, you’re actually up early!” Merle says, walking straight into the room and heading for the pancakes in Taako’s hand. “These are for everyone, right?”

“You want two wooden arms?!”

Merle continues reaching for the plate that Taako is holding up over his head. “Sure! This one is double jointed. I wouldn’t mind being double-double jointed.” He detaches said wooden arm and uses it to try and grab Taako’s plate, only to have Taako push him away with a foot in his face.  

“Taako’s boyfriend made em’ Merle,” Magnus says. “I don’t think he wants to share.”

“Who’s Taako’s boyfriend?” Merle asks, still under Taako’s foot.

“Kravitz.”

“Who’s Kravitz?”

“Taako’s boyfriend.”

“Who’s Taako’s boyfriend?”

“Kravitz,” Magnus says just as Taako yells, “For fuck’s sake, you old fruit! He tried to kill us like a few months ago and he’s standing right there!”

He looks where Taako is violently gesturing and finally seems to notice Kravitz. “Oh hey, we have a guest!”

“Hi Merle.”

“Cool shirt buddy! Am I crazy or are you the giant crystal monster who ate my arm?”

“No, you’re right. I was a giant crystal monster. Sorry about the arm thing.” Kravitz clears his throat and mumbles _that was a pretty fun day_ under his breath.

“Actually Taako is the one that ate your arm,” Magnus chimes in.

“You are?”

“You weren’t using it anymore, were you?”

“Nah, it was already crystal.”

“Again, I’m very sorry about that.”

“NBD Taako’s boyfriend,” Merle says with a shrug. “It’s all in the past and the past ain’t worth remembering.”

Taako rolls his eyes. “That’s some riveting shit dudes. I’m going to go eat the dope shit my hot undead boyfriend was nice enough to make me and then I’m going comatose for the rest of the week to recover from the marathon we ran last night. If either of you nerds does anything above like, 10 decibels, I’m gonna have Garyl run you through and then fireball you up like a fucking shish kabob.”

“Night Taako!” Merle waves his wooden arm. “You guys are cute together.”

Taako stares back at them, one hand on the door frame.

Magnus waves too.

“Yeah. Whatever. Thanks. I love you guys. Shit, ignore that last part." Before either of them can respond he pulls the hood of Kravitz’s cape over his eyes and throws two fingers up over his shoulder. “Later losers! Peace!”

“Hold up Kravitz!” Magnus says, running over to him. “One quick thing.”

Kravitz looks at Taako’s retreating form and then turns back to Magnus. “Sure, what is it?”

“I…crap, what was it?” Magnus scratches his chin thoughtfully. “Let’s see. That’s weird? Nope got that. I’m happy for you guys? Nah. Got that too. Hmm. Oh yeah!”

He claps Kravitz on the shoulders with a grin.

“If you hurt my friend’s feelings I will literally murder you!”

Kravitz looks down at his shoulder. “That’s…a very sweet gesture of your friendship but I kind of _am_ death. That one might be a little tough for you.”

“Haha, but I’m really _, really_ good at killing stuff. I swear, I will definitely find a way!”

Kravitz’s faint, incredulous smile fades slightly. “I see. I’ll keep that in mind but I really have no intention of hurting Taako. I like him very much and I’d say we’re past the entire trying to reap your souls thing.”

Kravitz doesn’t move as Magnus squints at him, sticking his face right in front of his. Magnus looks over at Merle who holds up a wooden thumb.

 “All clear, he’s telling the _truth_.” He attempts to wink at Magnus, seeming to forget that he only has one eye.

 “Got it."

"You could almost say that everything in this  _zone_ is the truth."

"I got it Merle, really." He pats Kravitz on the shoulder. "Welcome to the family! Glad to have you! Don’t make me kill you!”

“Uh. I’ll try not to,” he says as Merle gives him a one armed hug around the knees.

Magnus squeezes them both. “Quatro horny boys!”


End file.
